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[rootsforyou]

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[rootsforyou]

[pulls his hand out of the dirt with her free hand and holds it]

Will you try to tell me what you can, so I can understand? I don't want to misunderstand anything.

[laughitoff]

...I don't really know where to start?

[he does squeeze her hand though]

[rootsforyou]

I don't know where to tell you to start. I suppose...You were fighting at the Nightless City, and thought he was at the siege of the Burial Mounds a few months later. Was that resolved?

[laughitoff]

He said he wasn't there at all. He has to have come afterwards, to find A-Yuan...I don't really know what happened to him, but I think he must have been punished for helping me at Nightless City.

I don't really know how to talk to him. I thought he was an enemy for a long time. I'm not used to him being...something else.

[rootsforyou]

Weren't you friends when you were younger? Is it too difficult to act like you did back then? A little bit at a time.

[laughitoff]

...

We weren't friends. He never let me make friends with him.

[rootsforyou]

The way he spoke made me think that you were both friends. He...liked you a lot.

[there is no delicate way to say 'I am pretty sure he was madly in love with you' but she can only work with the words she's got. squeezes his hand]

If it's the same as it is now, it may be that he has difficulty expressing his fondness for others outwardly. It's awkward to ask someone if that's the case directly, of course.

[laughitoff]

...

[looks aside, hunching his shoulders further]

Do you truly think so?

[rootsforyou]

I do.

Hanguang-Jun has been unfailingly polite to me since I arrived. He has helped us both, indulged my many questions, offered insight and guidance, spoken fondly of you, and gone out of his way to assist in the ways he can.

[brushes a few stray strands of hair out of his face]

Although I do not doubt that it is in his nature to provide aid to those he meets, I am quite sure he did not do any of those things for my sake. Before this we have barely done more than exchange pleasantries. He helped me because I am your shijie, and doing so would lessen your burden.

[laughitoff]

[his ears and tail twitch uncomfortably; he doesn't quite believe the part about none of it being for Yanli's sake directly, but the rest hits deep under his skin, every word a small stab of guilt. no, he shouldn't be cruel to someone who's helped defend his sister and tried to save her life; someone who'd saved A-Yuan; someone who professes to be an ally and proves it with his actions, even if he won't be a friend.]

Then what should I do? If talking doesn't work, and gestures don't work.

[rootsforyou]

I don't know. I don't know what he does that's different when it's just the two of you or how it ends in arguments. Even if I could say what I would do in a situation, it isn't the same as what you would do, is it?

...What do you think of Hanguang-Jun? Don't tell me what he thinks of you. I want to know what you think of him.

[laughitoff]

...

He unnerves me. I...I am grateful to him for what he's done, but it's hard to tell where he stands. Sometimes I'm glad he's here and sometimes I wish he really wasn't...he doesn't belong in a place like this, anyway. Neither of you do.

[rootsforyou]

None of us do. But we're already here. I don't want to fret about it too much, even if I wish it were a little different.

What do you want to know about where he stands?

[laughitoff]

...

I don't know why he's standing up for me. As you said, he'll take his duty to aid others seriously--he's a righteous man. But it's not like I am.

[rootsforyou]

A-Xian...That's not true.

[it's gentler than the last time she said it, almost sad. but also unwavering]

You've spent your whole life helping others and doing what you think is right. Would you dare to say you're not a righteous man to me? I watched you grow up. Just because society has misunderstood you doesn't mean you need to misunderstand yourself. I'm sure Hanguang-Jun sees the same man that I do in you.

[laughitoff]

Shijie.

[tucks her hair behind one ear, utterly gentle]

...I truly don't recall what happened at Nightless City, after you were struck down. But I do know that I used the Tiger Seal, against all those assembled there. That wasn't the action of a righteous man, whether he was misunderstood or not.

[rootsforyou]

I did not say you were a perfect man. I am not here to excuse or condone the things you've done wrong. Only you can reflect upon those. I am saying that, for all the time I've known you, you've tried to do the right thing. Stumbling along a path does not mean you've lost your way.

[laughitoff]

[oh

yeah he has to quiet for a moment there, bowing his head

it's not the same as forgiveness -- it's not like any one person could forgive him for what he regrets, or that he'd accept it if they tried -- but it squeezes his heart to hear, all the same.]

[rootsforyou]

[she cannot give him a hug, but he is basically curled into a small ball on her lap, so she settles for giving his shoulder a squeeze]

[laughitoff]

[breathes.]

...thank you.

[rootsforyou]

Is there a need for thanks when it comes to saying your thoughts aloud?

[but lightly, because she's not weird about being thanked]

I may have taken it for granted that you knew I thought this of you.

[laughitoff]

It's...

It's hard not to question myself, considering everything that happened.

[rootsforyou]

It's...

[swallows]

Many things went wrong very quickly. It feels insufficient to try to describe it with words. But I will still stand by what I said. Our worst moments are not the whole of us.

[laughitoff]

[a soft sigh]

...I'll try harder.

[rootsforyou]

...Be patient with yourself. If there's something you want to improve upon, you'll naturally notice it and be more mindful as time goes on.

It isn't the best way to resolve a situation, but would you like me to speak to Hanguang-Jun for you?